Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Stay Classy, San Diego
Poor San Diego, the Padres have never had a no-hitter in their history.
They've been on the other end of no hitters numerous times including being no-hit by Dock Ellis when he was on acid, but fear not, San Diego I'm here for you. Gather round, I'm the man who can cure your problem, pay attention, because listening don't cost a dime, and if you believe that we're going to get a long real fine.
First up let's look at your history. In 1970, San Diego pitcher Clay Kirby had a no-hitter going into the eighth inning but was pulled by manager Preston Gomez for a pinch-hitter. What? Sounds like you cursed yourself, but don't panic. I have the solution.
Sadly Preston Gomez passed away in 2009 so he can not come back and take off the curse. Here's what you have to do. Dig up Preston Gomez and make a soup from his bones and feed it to the entire pitching staff. I guarantee you will have a no-hitter within 2 months.
Maybe you don't love your team enough to commit to such a task, but I have other solutions...
This next idea is a long term plan. You need to go around and collect semen from great pitchers like Sandy Kofax, Nolan Ryan, Randy Johnson, Justin Verlander, just to name a few and then grab some tall, voluptuous San Diego beach girls and impregnate them. If you have 30 kids, one of them will pitch a no-hitter by 2037. The problem with this plan is you'll end up with some ladies who look like Randy Johnson. But that's not my problem, that's yours. I'm sure you'll figure it out.
My last solution is the easiest for the Padres to get a no-hitter. The Astros have 10 no-hitters in their history. Get Bud Selig to force the Astros to sell you a no-hitter. He strong armed the Astros into moving next year into the American League. I'm sure Mr. Selig can make it happen. Bud's the guy who let an All-Star game in his home stadium end in a tie. It appears he can do anything.