WHAT IF…the Houston Astros used
the first pick of the 1992 draft and selected Derek Jeter?
T. Sean Shannon is an Emmy award winner, having written for
Saturday Night Live for 8 years, 3 as writing supervisor. He is a life-long Houston Astros fan
and answers the question.
1992 – 1995 - MINOR LEAGUES –
The Astros have the first pick of the 1992 draft and select
18 year-old Derek Jeter. Derek is
assigned to the rookie ball and quickly climbs through the minor leagues with
both his stick and his glove, quickly establishing himself as a leader.
1996 –
Derek joins the killer B’s of Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio,
Sean Berry and Derek Bell. Biggio at 30 is the oldest of the bunch and
especially hard on rookies. With
the press hyping the new, hot-shot, shortstop, Biggio focuses most of his
negative attention towards Derek.
But in typical Jeter fashion, he’s able to handle it and by midseason he
wins Biggio’s respect. Biggio
leaves Jeter alone and starts terrorizing Bobby Abreu.
Derek
has a great year at the plate, taking full advantage of the spacious dome
hitting .422 at home and .359 overall and wins the N.L. batting title, sadly
the Astros finish 2 games behind the Cardinals in the N.L. Central.
Apologies
to Todd Hollandsworth, but you no longer win the N.L. Rookie of the Year, it’s
given unanimously to Derek Jeter.
1997 –
Larry
Dierker takes over as manager and everything falls in place and the Astros easily
win the National League Central.
When
the playoffs come around Derek Jeter sets the tone. Over his career, Jeter’s batting .500 against Greg Maddux
and .350 against Tom Glavine so the Astros breeze past the Braves,sweep the
Marlins and beat Cleveland and the Astros franchise win their first World Series!!!
During
the off-season, Derek holds a black tie charity event at the Rice Hotel and
wants to hire a comedian and someone gives him my name. I go up at the end of the night and
have to follow the bachelor auction.
The crowd is drunk and rowdy but I shut down a couple hecklers, take
control of the room and end up killing for 45 minutes. After I get paid, I’m thinking about
cutting out but Derek asks me to hang out. After the party dies down we spend the rest of the night
with him quizzing me about my set.
He wants to know how I think up jokes and how I was able to shut down
the hecklers. I tell him it’s hard
to explain, I was just in the zone.
He smiles and knows exactly what I mean. We decide there’s a lot of similarities between baseball
players and comedians.
The
next day he stops by the house for dinner. My wife, Kitty is a trained chef, and fixes him Chicken
Fried Steak. He can’t stop talking
about how it’s the best thing he’s ever eaten. I say “This is amazing, but her specialty is
breakfast.” I don’t even
remember saying it till the next morning at 9 when Derek’s BANGING on the
door.
By
the end of breakfast Derek convinces us to become his partner in the restaurant
biz. Derek wants to call it Number 2 until I convince him no one
wants to eat food at a place called number 2. We name the restaurant The
713, after the local area code and it’s an immediate hit and gets 2
Michelin stars, which I guess is a big deal.
In
the fall of ’97 I get hired at Saturday Night Live and Derek takes my wife and I
to Galveston for a celebratory weekend.
1998
Astros
win their second World Series and Derek Jeter continues to use the confines of
the Astrodome to his advantage.
Derek ends up hitting .391 and winning his first MVP award, just nudging
out Sosa and McGwire. I have an MVP year too, in my rookie
year writing for Saturday Night Live,
I tie for third on the staff with most sketches on the air.
Jeter
starts his first All-Star game in Coors Field in Denver and we have a
blast. Monday, we sat around
talking to Cal Ripken Jr., Barry Bonds, and Tony Gwynn. Later, at the hotel bar, I some how
piss off Gary Sheffield. I’m not
even sure what happened, but he’s staring bullets at me the whole night.
The
next day I’m shagging balls during batting practice, when a ball zips by my
head. I can hear the whoosh as it buzzes by my ear. I can’t prove it, but I know it was
Sheffield.
After
the game, I’m in the hotel lobby waiting for Sheffield. Derek can tell I’m mad.
“T.
Sean, you have every right to be pissed off and I know you want to fight
Sheffield but as a favor to me, I’m asking you to let it go. Plus, Sheffield’s a big dude and
I’m pretty sure he’ll beat the shit out of you.”
“As
a favor to you, I’ll let it go.”
The
next day I sign up for Krav Maga lessons.
Two months later I’m a blue belt, which takes most people four years to
earn.
1999
The
Astros are kicking ass in baseball, just like I’m kicking ass at Saturday Night
Live. Derek is a very funny guy
and sometime he phones me with ideas. I came up with the idea for Jimmy Fallon’s character Nick
Burns – Your Company’s Computer guy based on stories Derek told me about the
Astros computer guy.
The
All-Star game is in Fenway and Derek hits for the cycle and makes and
unassisted triple play to help the National League win 7 - 1. Derek is the obvious choice as MVP.
During
warm ups, I’m hanging out behind the fence under the bleachers. Gary Sheffield said I was back their
hiding, which is bullshit. I
didn’t even know Gary made the team; last I looked he was batting .250. Plus I’m a
first degree black belt in Krav Maga so I’m definitely not dodging him. I’ve fought a fifth degree black belt at
my dojo and it wasn’t even close – I beat the crap out of her.
Anyway,
I’m hanging under the bleachers and a golf cart rolls up carrying Ted Williams. Ted notices my t-shirt from the Golden Bosun
Tavern.
“Golden
Bosun Tavern? Where’d you get that
shirt?” Ted asks.
“I
bought it when I was down fly fishing on the Christmas Islands.”
“I
like you, kid,” and he sticks out his hand, “I’m Ted Williams”.
We
spend the next hour hanging out.
Cut to - 2 weeks later, I’m in Florida and Ted takes me on his boat and
drives to Cuba. We go fly fishing
with Fidel Castro during the day and that night we smoke cigars and watch
baseball. On the boat ride back to
Florida, Ted and I laugh about how shitty Castro is at fly-fishing.
In
the last baseball game ever to be played in the Astrodome, the Astros become
World Champions in dramatic fashion when Derek Jeter hits a 2 run walk-off home
run in the bottom of the ninth off Yankee reliever, Mariano Rivera. Not a bad way for Derek Jeter to enter
the free agent market.
1999 Off-Season
It’s
2 weeks after the World Series and I’m at SNL and Lorne invites me to party on
a yacht circling Manhattan. We get
there and there’s only about 20 other guest, but it’s a who’s who of New York; Mayor Giuliani, Billy Crystal, Jay-Z, Chef
Mario Batali, Robert DeNiro, Donald Trump, Lou Reed…
So
Lorne and I are at the front of the yacht and the ship goes through a fog bank
and when we come out of it, George Steinbrenner is standing in front of us with
a briefcase handcuffed to his arm.
“Hi
Lorne.”
“Hi,
George. I’d like you to meet T.
Sean Shannon. T. Sean, this
is Mr. Steinbrenner.”
Steinbrenner
uncuffs his arm, then opens the briefcase to reveal it’s full of stacks of 100
dollar bills. “There’s 250,000
dollars in here.” He closes it
back up and handcuffs the briefcase to my wrist and gives me the key.
“A
small gift so you’ll convince Derek Jeter to sign with the Yankees.”
“I’m
flattered that you think I have that much influence on Derek, but he’s his own
man and nobody can tell him what to do.”
“T.
Sean. Can I call you T. Sean?”
“Please.”
“I
am my own man, T. Sean and like Derek Jeter, no one can tell me what to do. That said, when I have an important, life-changing
decision to make, I always seek counsel from my best friend.”
“Mr.
Steinbrenner, we hang out, but I wouldn’t say we were best friend.”
“Oh
please, every interview I read it’s like ‘my
buddy T. Sean said this, my buddy T.
Sean said that, if my friend T. Sean was here... ‘ It’s obvious you’re best
friends.”
“I
never put a label on it, but yes I guess you could say Derek Jeter and I are best
friends, but his parents are the biggest influence.”
“And
they love you,” exclaims Steinbrenner.
“I read in an interview you taught his mom how to make red beans in
rice.”
“Mom
said that? – I mean Mrs.
Jeter… she makes me call her Mom,
but she’s an amazing cook to begin with. She say ‘I’m the older brother Derek never had’, so I wouldn’t
feel right trying to influence them one way or the other.”
Mr.
Steinbrenner says, “I understand, and respect your integrity, T. Sean. Derek Jeter is lucky to have a best friend
like you. Thanks for listening and
here’s a token of my appreciation. ”
Mr. Steinbrenner shakes my hand and slips me Mickey Mantle’s 1953 World
Series ring. He then grabs a
rope ladder and starts climbing it as the helicopter whisk him off to his compound.
Lorne
walks over. “I think what George
is asking, whatever you can do to help the Yankees, it wouldn’t go unnoticed. In fact, I have some old Jack Handey
and Tom Davis sketches that got cut at dress you might want to see. Plus for the season finale I took your
suggestion… Jerry Orbach with
musical guest Willie Nelson.”
“Lorne,
you have my word, I’ll do everything in my power to make Derek Jeter a Yankee.”
“Thanks. Okay, I have a submarine waiting for
me. I have to get out of here
before Billy Crystal corners me..”
“Can
I get a ride back with you?”
“No”. Lorne ties a rope to a railing and repels
over the side.
Once
I get home I call Derek and tell him the whole story.
He
starts laughing. “If they give you
quarter of a million, how much do you think they’ll give me?”
“What
have you heard from the Astros?”
“They’re
low balling me. They want me to
give them a home town discount.”
“I’m
an Astros fan, but screw them. They’re
chiselers. They did the same thing
to Nolan Ryan back in 1988. Since
I live New York, I would dig you playing for the Yankees, but I would never
tell you were to go.”
“I
know that.”
“That
said, I will tell you where you can’t go. St. Louis or Atlanta.
I hate both those teams.”
Derek
laughs, “I know, both of those guys always seem to be good.”
“And
don’t worry, I won’t take any more payola from Steinbrenner.”
“Get
everything you can out of him, it’s not going to effect my decision one way or
the other.”
Derek
ends up signing with the Yankees for 5 years and I recieve lifetime season
tickets behind home plate, 24 hr car service and I get to play for the Yankees in
a Spring Training game.
The Astros fans weren’t happy and
boycotted our restaurant. I
discuss the situation with Mr. Steinbrenner and he said he’d take care of
it. Three days later the place
burned down. The restaurant is
heavily insured and both Derek and I end up pocketing 8 million a piece. We each give 3 mill to a kid’s baseball
league “anonymously” but make sure it gets leaked to the press, and the attitude
softens against us in Houston.
2000
The
Yankees have a hot start. In a
pre-season game against the Montreal Expos, I play 3rd base and go
two for two off Dustin Hermanson before I get pulled in the fifth inning for a
throwing error. I still think Tito
Martinez should have pulled that one out of the dirt. Sadly, it’s my last game as a pro ball player, but I leave
the majors batting a thousand, which is hard to do.
Derek
Jeter’s move to New York is a success and the Yankees win the World Series and Derek’s
the series MVP. I continue
to excel at SNL and average 2 sketches per show. Mr.
Steinbrenner helps Kitty open a new restaurant and it gets 3 Michelin
stars. Which is like some super
big deal, I don’t know that much about it.
2001-
Derek
Jeter and the Yankees have another great year. I don’t have a bad year myself. I tie for first with most sketches on the air and earn my
third degree black belt
Derek
calls me before the World Series and I mention in passing how I’ve noticed Luis
Gonzalez hits a lot of bloops, straight up the middle, and maybe he should
cheat more towards second base.
Derek does and it comes in handy in Game 7 when Gonzo punches a soft
liner up the middle and Jeter is there and sends the game into extra
innings. In the top of the 11th,
Jeter hits a grand slam to put the Yankees ahead for good. He’s the World Series MVP for the
second year in a row.
As
a thank you gift, Derek buys Kitty and I a first class vacation to Hawaii. Derek’s one of the only friends that my
wife likes. He’s just a thoughtful
person.
2002 –
In
only his third year with the Yankees, Derek gets voted captain. It happens on the same day I get
promoted to writing supervisor at the SNL. So we both start the year off right. With the added responsibility I step up
to the challenge and average 2 sketches per show. I also win an Emmy for Best Writing for a Variety Series.
Derek
doesn’t do too bad either, he leads the Yankees to their third straight title
and wins the American League MVP.
Frank Robinson is the only other guy to win an MVP in both leagues.
2003 -
They
Yankees start hot and stay hot the entire season, exactly like me at SNL. I average 2.6 sketches a show.
The
Yankees sweep through the first 2 rounds of the playoffs and then hit a brick
wall in the World Series and lose to the Florida Marlins. You have to give it to Josh Beckett, he
was nightmare for hitters.
2004-
Derek
calls me laughing when the Yankees sign Gary Sheffield. “You have to come down to Spring
Training to settle this. I don’t
need any distractions during the season.”
I
show up to practice and Gary Sheffield immediately starts in on me.
“I
hope you came to beg for forgiveness and I might let you live.”
Derek’s
laughing and goes “you better watch out Shef- My boy knows Krav Maga.”
Gary
Sheffield gets right in my face. He’s
much taller than that woman in my Krav Maga class. That doesn’t matter.
I have been training for this moment for six years. He doesn’t want it as much as I
do. I give him one last chance.
“Let’s
just drop this before someone gets hurt.
And that someone is you.” I
poke my finger in his chest to make my point.
I
wake up in the trainer’s room. He
punched me straight in my chest. Once
they realize I’m okay, Derek and Don Zimmer start laughing.
Jeter
grabs my shoulders… “You know I
love you bro, but when Sheffield hit you- BAM – You went flying like you’d been
hit with a cannon ball.” Derek
acts it out in slow motion as tears stream down Don Zimmer beet-red face.
“Tell
him how funny it was, Zim.”
“It
was pretty damn funny, kid.”
“I’m
not sure I’m the best audience for this joke.”
“You’re
right. I’m sorry.” It takes them five minutes to compose
themselves. Then, Sheffield
walks by and goes “Krav Maga my ass…”
Zimmer
and Derek explode.
“Laugh
it up, you two. You’re like Heckle
and Jeckle. A couple of
magpies.”
Things
at SNL are going great. I make
short films called Bear City and they’re a hit. It’s got a catchy theme song that Derek help write. He’s the one that came up with the
lyrics, “Bear City, Bear-Bear City.”
Derek really can do anything, like help the Yankees win their 5th
straight division title.
That
year in the Championship series, the Yankees are up 3 games to none over the
Boston Red Sox. It’s the night
before Game 4 and I’m in a hotel bar and I see a bunch of Boston’s
players. I hear one of
them say, “We have to Cowboy Up.”
And
I say “more like, get in the Cowgirl position.”
Kevin
Millar tries to come after me but a couple other players hold him back. I try to let it go, but I’m just
pounding back drinks and fuming.
Half-hour later I see him go to the
bathroom and I decide to take care of business. I haven’t been that confident in Krav Maga since Gary
Sheffield cannon-balled me, so I grab a fire extinguisher off the wall. When the bathroom door opens I swing it
and hit Johnny Damon in the face and his big caveman head flies back and knocks
out most of Kevin Millar’s teeth.
As I run out the bar I trample Dave Roberts and break his leg.
The
next day it’s reported the players were attacked by a drunk Yankee fan. and the
Red Sox lose Game 4 and the Curse continues.
For the record… I like the Yankees because my buddy
plays for them, I played for them, plus I have free lifetime season tickets
behind home plate, but make no mistake –
I’m an Astros fan, through and through.
Yankees sweep the Cardinals in the World Series.
2004 OFF SEASON
Derek
becomes a free agent and I tell him “I have a couple teams I need to add to the
Can’t Play For list.” Derek laughs.
“Don’t
try to laugh it off, I got 2 new teams.
I’m serious.”
“I
know you’re serious.” That’s when
he drops the bombshell. “The
Astros offered me a ton of money.”
“Why
would they do that? They have Adam
Everett.”
Jeter’s
knees buckle with laughter.
“That’s
cold, Teesh. C’mon man, he’s got a
good glove.”
“That’s
like saying a comedian is a good guy.
That means he’s not funny. And
last I checked, shortstops still have to bat in the National League, right?”
Two weeks later, Derek re-signs with the Astros.
The
day after Derek signs with Houston, SNL informs me they won’t be ordering new
episodes of Bear City.
Bummer. I wrote a feature
for Bear City but Lorne is no longer interested. Okay, he was never interested in it, but now he’s really
not interested.
2005 -
Jeter
rejoining the Astros encourages Carlos Beltran to stick around after an epic
post season. They also sign Adrian
Beltre to play 3rd. Then the
Astros send Sean Berry, Adam Evert, Jason lane and Brad Ausmus to the Boston
Red Sox for catcher Justin Varitek and an unknown minor leaguer named Dustin
Pedroia.
I
have a kick ass year at SNL and dominate the season easily getting the most
sketches on the show and with
the short porch in left field at Minute Maid park, Jeter hits a career high 36
home runs and wins another MVP award.
First guy ever to win
the MVP in one league, go win it in another league, then go back to the first
league and win it again.
Kitty
reopens The 713 in a bigger space and it’s more popular than the first
time. The overlords of
restaurants only gave The 713 two
Michelin star. That’s still
supposed to be amazing, but Kitty’s restaurant in New York got 3 stars. I think they were being greedy
with the stars.
2006 - 07
More
of the same, the Astros and T. Sean continue to kick ass. Derek and the Astros
win the World Series, T. Sean gets
the most sketches on SNL.
I
leave SNL to
direct a movie I co-wrote called Harold.
2008-
Jeter
and the Astros are still the team to beat. My movie Harold, does good,
but doesn’t get a wide release.
Jeter can tell I’m feeling down.
“You’re
always talking about your Bear City movie, you should make that.”
“I
don’t know, Derek. People think a
movie with a bunch of people in bear suits is a crazy idea.”
“I
think it’s a good idea and this is something you have to do. Your Ishmael and Bear City is your
white whale. I’ll put up half the
money and you put up the other half.”
The
next day I start pre-production, and seven months later I finish T. SEAN’S BEAR CITY.
In
the World Series, the Astros drop the first 3 games to the Red Sox. No team has ever come back from 3 games
until the Astros defeats Boston in game 7 scoring 11 runs in the bottom of the
ninth. Dustin Pedroia is the
Series MVP. The Curse
Continues.
2009
The Astros beat the Yankees in six games for their 4th
consecutive title.
As for T. Sean’s Bear
City, it wins a bunch of awards at Sundance, gets translated into 14
different languages and has box office revenue worldwide of 1.6 billion
dollars. It makes 482 million in
America alone.
Derek’s
share for investing in the movie comes out to about 200 million. My share of the profits, including
merchandizing, comes to right around 800 million and when I hear the Astros are
up for sale, I decide to buy them.
OFF SEASON - (2009)
I’m
all lined up to buy the team and we’re at the contract signing when Drayton
McClain and Commissioner Bud Selig try to pull the old bait and switch.
Bud
puts a hand on my shoulder.
“There’s one last thing I forgot to mention earlier, T. J.”
“It’s
T. Sean.”
“I’m
sorry, T. Sean. So one last thing,
in 2013, the Astros are going to have to move to the American League.”
“No
way, Jose. The American League
blows.”
“It
most certainly doesn’t.”
“Then
you move Milwaukee back to the American League.”
Drayton
steps in, “T. Sean, calm down.”
“No,
you guys are trying to change our deal.”
“Just
hear me out.” Bud says with a
crooked smile. “Houston moving
makes the most sense travel wise.”
“No,
it doesn’t. And you got this
stupid idea from Bob Costas book. When
I catch that little dude, I'm going to put him under a laundry basket and sit
on it.”
“We’ll
knock 100 million off the price if you agree to the move.”
“No,
I’m good. I’ll pay full price. Move your crappy Brewers back to the
AL.”
“No,
I’m not going to do that.” Bud
then crosses his arms like a little kid.
“Then I won’t let you buy the team. What do you think of that?”
“I
think you’re both weasels.”
I’ve hated guys like them since I was in
grade school. I fake a quick step towards them and
they both flinch. They always
do.
I
leave the meeting and call Jeter and he tells me I should go to the press.
“I
can’t because if a reporter writes something negative about him, Selig will single
them out and make their life hell.”
“If
enough guys rally against it, he won’t be able to punish them all. I’ve always gotten along with the
press. Let me see what I can
do.”
Derek
spends the afternoon on the phone and that evening articles start popping up everywhere
from reporters, current and former players, all of them denouncing the idea of
the Astros being strong-armed into the American League. Derek even gets that little
worm, Bob Costas to backtrack and say he no longer believes the Astros should
be moved.
It
takes about a month, but Bud Selig finally caves and agrees to let the Astros
stay in the National League. Selig
forces Colorado to move the AL. Yeah,
Bud’s a classy guy to the bitter end. I buy the team and immediately hire my
brother, Pat, as General Manager and he signs C.C. Sabathia, who’s our opening
day starter.
2010 -
The Astros are slow out of the gate with a 4-23 record and I
fire the General Manager. That
turns out to be the spark the team needed because we end up winning the
division by 13 games. In my first
year as an owner, I get a World Series Ring.
I write another movie, T.
Sean’s Escape from Bear City.
Derek has some great notes and helps me tighten up Act II.
2011-2014
The Astros continue to dominate the National League and win
3 more rings, C.C. Sabathia has been dominating so I rehire my brother as G.M. and
as for Derek Jeter… in his last
major league at bat, Derek hits a walk off single in Game 7 for the Astros to
beat the Red Sox. The Curse
continues.
My movie T. Sean’s
Escape from Bear City exceeds initial expectations and grosses more than 4
billion dollars.
BACK TO REALITY
Look how different things could have been. Derek Jeter would have 17 World Series
Rings and the Astros would have stayed in the National League with 13 World
Series Titles, and I’d own a baseball team and made 2 Bear movies.
But no, the Astros drafted Phil Nevin.
Oh well.
