Thursday, May 31, 2012

Jonathan Lucroy: his story smells like 3 day old fish

Jonathan Lucroy, Catcher Milwaukee Brewers

By now you've heard the story.  Catcher hurts hand when wife accidentally knocks a suitcase on it. 

Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy was reaching under the bed in his hotel room Sunday night in search of a lost sock when his wife moved a suitcase (according to a team spokesman, it is not uncommon for wives to occasionally travel with the team). The piece of luggage fell on his right hand, resulting in what the Brewers called a “boxer’s fracture.”

An injury that most commonly affects boxers you got it from a suitcase.  Really?

That's 3 day old fish and I ain't buy it.  

This sounds like the kind of lie you make up when you first start driving and you hit a curb and flatten 2 tires trying to peel out to impress a girl and your dad ask you what happened?

"I was turning and then I sneezed and that made my arm twitch and then a dog ran out in front of me, and I swerved to miss him and I hit the curb and bent both rims."

Don't shit a shitter.   No suitcase fell on his hand when he was reaching for socks.  What kind of Rube Goldberg excuse is that?

Here's what probably happen.

His wife tags along on the road, so you know he's not happy to begin with.  He's 25, this is only his second full year in the Majors so he would rather hang out and go drinking with his teammates, but no, she has to come along for the West Coast trip.  Great.

It's Sunday night after the game in Phoenix, they have to fly out immediately because they have a day game the next afternoon in Los Angeles.

He's packed and ready to go and she's in the bathroom taking her sweet ass time packing her toiletries because since she's in another city, she thinks she's on vacation.  She even brought along her impractical, but stylish, antique suitcase.  Guess who gets to carry it?

She doesn't understand that he's working.  This is his job.  He has obligations.  He's going to miss the team bus to the airport.  He tries to asks her nicely to hurry up, but he's so pissed, it comes out mean.  This just makes her go slower.

"I don't want to forget anything.  Do I have my phone charger?"

He's just sitting there on the bed fuming.  After about 4 minutes he gets up and looks in the bathroom and she's on her phone checking messages.

That's it.  He just snaps and punches the wall - BAM.  He immediately realizes he's broken his hand.    His hand is fractured in 3 places and he might have thrown away the entire season, maybe his career, but he can't think about that right now, because his wife starts sobbing uncontrollably so he has to comfort her.

The hotel phone rings.  This makes her cry louder.  He grabs a pair of socks and sticks them in her mouth and runs to grab the phone.

"The bus was suppose to leave 10 minutes ago.  Where are you?"
"I hurt my hand."
If he's proven negligent in breaking his hand, he could lose his pay check.
He looks around the room and sees the antique suitcase, his wife with a pair of socks in her mouth and begins to make up a corny lie.
He hangs up the phone.
"So now everyone is going to blame me.  Thanks a lot.  You're the idiot who punched the wall.  I had nothing to do with it."

She starts crying again.  
He starts thinking if he's able to come back from his injury, he has to get divorced before he signs a big free agent contract. 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

An Eyewitness Account - I was there...

The Astros came to town to face the Dodgers and I was lucky enough to go Friday night and watch Lucas Harrell pitch a gem and beat Clayton Kershaw 3-1.
Sadly, I also went to Saturday nights game which ended with Dodgers’ catcher , A.J. Ellis hitting a 3-run walk off home run to beat the Astros 6-3.  It was horrible.  Not because of the walk-off home run, but because the game took 4 hours.  Walk off homers are exciting but I think everyone in the stadium cheered because we weren't going into extra innings.  4 hours?  Springsteen concerts don't last that long and they have an intermission.
The official time of the game was 3 hours and 50 minutes.  I don’t know who’s tinkering with the numbers but the game started at 7:10 and didn’t end till 11:30.
It was ponderous.   The game moved with the tempo of a big fat woman behind the counter at the Post Office.  Both pitchers enter the 4th inning having thrown 90 pitches.
I love baseball.  I love the Astros.  I dig the Dodgers.  I had great seats.  But I don’t want to do anything for 4 hours.  Nothing.  Think all you want, I don’t want it.
How about sleep?  Nope.  4 hours is too long for a nap and not long enough for sleeping. 
What about hanging out with Bob Dylan?  Yeah, but 4 hours straight?  And if it turns out anything like Saturday’s game, Mr. Dylan would only give one-word answers for 4 hours.  No, thank you.
The game lasted so long it felt like I was watching a play.   
That’s the thing I miss most about Roy Oswalt playing for the Astros.  Not only is he an amazing pitcher, but Country Roy would get you out of there in under 2 hours.
I just read that Mr. Oswalt signed with Texas.  Would love to see the Rangers finally put it together and Roy get a ring.  One things for sure, Josh Hamilton, Nelson Cruz and those other guys are going to love that Mr. Oswalt won’t leave them baking in the Texas sun for 4 hours.
4 hours.  Man.  I was there.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Baseball Card Theater - Simon Says - T. Sean Shannon with Maggie

Today Maggie helps us out with Baseball Card Theater.   Maggie plays an impressive game of Simon Says featuring Cesar Cedeno as a Cardinal, Ralph Garr as a Brave and many more cards I can't remember.

Happy May 29th!   Go get 'em.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Left-Handed Catcher Larry Haney Seattle Pilots

It's Baseball Card Friday and today we look at left-handed catcher Larry Haney.  Topps 1969

Since the 1870's, there have been around 10 left-handed catchers, most of those being left-handed utility players filling in behind the plate for a game or two.  There are many ideas why there are no left-handed catchers, such as obstruction issues with throwing to bases as well as left-handed people tend to be more artsy and aren't tough enough to hack it behind the plate.  Whatever the case may be, of all the left-handed catchers in the history of baseball, Larry Haney wasn't one of them.

They reused his picture from his 1968 card but accidentally flipped the negative, which left them with a mirror image and a left-handed Larry.

This is Mr. Haney's card from 1968.  Kind of a cool card. 

My favorite part of this card is that's Boog Powell in the back ground.  I love Boog Powell.  When I was a kid I went down and got Boog's autograph at Fingers Furniture in Houston.  Wait-a-minute.  If that's Boog Powell in the '68 card, then in the mirror image card, it's Bizarro Boog Powell.  Let's pray Bizarro Boog Powell doesn't escape from the '69 card and start feeding bar-b-qued humans to cows and pigs.

Okay, back to my man Larry Haney.  Lets take a look at a couple of his other cards.

This is from 1973 we see Larry wearing a doctor's rubber glove as a batting glove. 

Then he grew a moustache and was looking smooth in his 1977 card...

But my favorite card of Larry Haney comes from 1975

It's a cool action shot, Larry's got the ball in his hand, there's dust in the air, Larry looks like he's going to gun down a guy running to third.  It's a great photo.  One little problem, that's not Larry Haney.  It's Dave Duncan.

First they make Larry Haney left handed, then the coolest card they give him, Larry Haney's not in it.

 Here's Dave Duncan's other card from that year.

So this Memorial Day, when you're at a party and someone asks you "Name an obscure player who's had a Hall of Fame career when it comes to his baseball cards?"  You can say "Larry Haney."
You do that, I'm pretty sure you're going to get laid.   

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Bryce Harper - Cole Hamels Round 2

 As you remember last time...

Cole Hamels drilled Bryce Harper in the back to take the cocky rookie down a peg.  Then Mr. Harper stole home off Mr. Hamels.

Last night, they faced each other for the first time since the beaning.

Cole Hamels pitched 8 scoreless innings.  Bryce Harper went 1-3 with a single off Mr. Hamels.

After the game Bryce Harper was asked about Cole Hamels performance.

"He was really good.  He had every pitch working for him.  Fast ball, curve ball, change up, cutter, you name it.  He threw the ball really well tonight.  Painted it up.  All the effort he gave.  He did a great job."

Sounds like that bean ball worked.

Plus, it's the gift that keeps giving.  A few years from now, Bryce Harper is going to slide hard into 2nd and take-out some cocky rookie SS.  Hot damn I love baseball.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

It's Lima Time!!!

3 handsome fellas.  Fred Willard, Jose Lima, T. Sean

Lima Time!  
It’s the 2-year anniversary of the passing of pitcher Jose Lima.  He had some amazing years with the Astros, but whenever Jose was on the field, he made the game more enjoyable for the fans in attendance. 
Jose Lima pitched for six teams from 1994-2006, ’99 being his best year, when he pitched a scoreless inning in the All-Star game and won 21 games for the Houston Astros.   That’s the year, he became a favorite on Jim Rome’s radio show and he started calling him “Cy Lima”, because Mr. Rome thought he’d win the Cy Young award.
In 2004, when he was playing for the Dodgers, Kitty and I were lucky enough to become friends with Jose, his wife Melissa and son Jose Jr. 
Jose was a walking good time.  A funny, warm, generous man who made all those around him feel good.   He would talk baseball with me for hours.
When I would bring up a name, Lima would usually say “that’s my poppi, I love that guy” but when I mentioned Astros bullpen catcher Stretch Suba, he goes, “That M F-er.  He complained to management that I threw too many balls to fans.  So I went and bought 12 cases of balls and stacked them in his office.  There’s your balls M F-er.” 
That night before Jose was pitching against the Astros, he told me he’d give me the game ball if I rooted for him.  I always root for my friends over my team, but it meant a lot to me for him to ask. 
After the game, Jose came by my house and recapped the game in song.

I miss Jose, but I am grateful for getting to know him and I know the world is a much better place because Jose Lima was here.  Believe it!!!

It’s Lima Time. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Monday, May 21, 2012

What will become of the Silver Boot?

                                                         BEHOLD, THE SILVER BOOT

I hate the geographic-rival interleague games, where the Yankees play the Mets, the Astros play the Rangers and Detroit play Colorado.  What?  And they're forced to play two series so each team can play at their stadium.   That’s just dumb.
I understand you want games between the Dodgers – Angels, Mets-Yankees, etc.  but make it a 2 game series, you switch parks each year.  It would keep it special.
 I never cared for Rangers – Astros  silver boot series.
( Because the game is between  2 Texas teams they use a boot for the trophy, get it?)
But with the Astros getting date-raped and forced into the American League in 2013, I’m curious who are geographic-rival will be? 
Is it going to be the Brewers?  We have a young ball club and that would be a plus for Mr. Selig’s former ball club.  He can always change the rule when the Astros are good again.  Heck, it's logical.  That the closest place Mr. Selig found for the Astros “home games” when they were displaced by a hurricane. 
But more importantly, what will happen to the Silver Boot?  Does the winner get to keep it forever?  If they Rangers win will they melt it down and use the money to go buy coke?  Will they just ship the Silver Boot directly to Cooperstown?
Actual there’s a Texas Sports Hall of Fame in Waco, I bet they would love to display the Silver Boot there…  that is if you’re willing to make a large tax deductible contribution to the museum.  Sure, they’ll put your stupid boot in there.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Baseball Card Friday : Roberto Clemente Pirates 1972

One of my favorite players in one of the worse cards.  In 1972 they introduced IN ACTION cards, that featured game action shots.

Roberto Clemente's IN ACTION card features one of the best hitters, during an actual game, taking a called third strike.

If you show Kurt Bevacqua striking out looking, it would be hilarious, but Roberto was a three time batting champ.  You should show Roberto gunning a guy down from Right Field.

As game action shots go, Mr. Clemente got boned. 

Tom Seaver got boned that year too.

 What kind of action is going on here?
Is Mr. Seaver lining up a putt?
Is he grimacing in pain because he pulled his groin muscle?
Is he laughing with joy because he pulled an opponent's groin muscle?
Did he just snort the third base line? 
Is he laughing at the '72 Padres line up?
We may never know

Have a good weekend.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Poor Mickey Hatcher

                                     Mickey Hatcher with a big glove.  It's funny because it's BIG.

Mickey Hatcher, the Hitting Coach for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, (that's a stupid name, I can't believe they're going with that) was relieved of his position by the General Manager. 

I don't think anyone believes Mickey Hatcher is the problem but someone had to go.

Wrong place, Wrong time. 

But now there's a weird funk left by the move.

Mr. Pujols complained to the media about Mr. Hatcher talking to the press about a meeting Mr. Pujols had with the players. Mr. Hatcher let information out accidentally, but it's still a dry snitch.  But I love Mr. Pujols complaining to the media about someone talking to the media.

So that put Mr. Hatcher in the crosshairs.  Then the General Manager pulls rank on manager Mike Scioscia and fires the hitting coach

Imagine your boss in the front office fires your employee who is also your buddy.  He doesn't even know what your buddy does, plus you get de-balled in front of your employees.

There's got to be a crappy vibe around Angels Stadium of Anaheim.  (that's a stupid name for a stadium too) 

Then the day after your buddy gets fired, Albert Pujols and Veron Wells hit homers.  So you know the GM thinks he's brilliant.

Then the new hitting coach comes in.  Finally, a guy who can relate to the black and Latino players.  It's an even older white guy.

Man, I'm glad I don't work there.

On a side note.  I hate the Mickey Hatcher Big Glove baseball card.  I hate when they try to be funny, then it's not funny.  It's like that news guy, Brian Williams.  He was kind of funny until he started thinking he was funny.   Dude, your news guy funny.   Take it down a notch. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I Love Mascots!!!

I love getting drunk and getting my picture with a mascot.

Here I am pictured with the Green Monster and some hot lady when the Red Sox played the Dodgers at the L.A. Coliseum.

I love a good mascot.   Always have.

I immediately start smiling when I see a dude in an animal suit wearing a baseball jersey.  It's just fun.  They usually don't smell that great, some weird amalgamation of latex, sweat, and wet fur but don't let that stop you from getting your picture taken with one.

I got drunk at Spring Training and hung out with the Milwaukee Sausages down in Phoenix.   A couple of the sausages had ladies inside of them.  They were signing autographs.  I don't get autographs from mascots, that's weird.  I just get drunk and take pictures with them.   

I also got drunk and took a photo with the Rally Pumpkin in San Francisco.

Technically this isn't a mascot, but still, it's a portly dude dressed like a pumpkin and he painted a giant Hulk fist orange.   That isn't enough?  He also has a pumpkin cane.  How pimp is that? 

I also was lucky enough to go to our nations capital to RFK to see a Nationals game before they moved in their new park...

Here I am drunk with Screech the Eagle.  I had crappy seats but I found a press pass on the ground and went down and sat right behind home plate.  It was a great night.

Lastly, I saw a minor league game in Laredo, part of the Texas League.  That night they were playing a team from Mexico, the Tamaulipas Monkeys.  Turns out the team was staying in my hotel...

What can I say?  I was really drunk and I love mascots.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Monday, May 14, 2012

Let's Talk About My Astros

The un-sweepable Astros. 

It's mid-May and the Astros continue to exceed expectations.  Expectations were low but we're still doing better than anybody said we would.   I've never been prouder of a record of 15-19.

So suck it experts.

Go eat your hats.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Baseball Card Friday - Bud Harrelson - Mets 1971

Today's card is from 1971 and is Mets shortstop Bud Harrelson.

Okay enough about Bud.  Let's talk about 2 of my favorite Astros in this picture.

That's Jimmy Wynn, the Toy Cannon, sliding safely into second.  Where's the other Astro?

That's a young Nolan Ryan on the mound.  Making an out sign with his hand.

Also in this picture is Ken Boswell in the background and legendary umpire Harry Wendelstedt.

In 1970 Jimmy Wynn and Doug Rader, the Red Rooster, hit home runs in the upper deck of the Astrodome(the yellow section) just a few seats apart from each other.   Both seats where decorated with their nickname. 

When I was a kid it was cool to go over to that section and sit in the seat.

So there you have it.  Bud Harrelson's card.  I hope you learned a lot.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The United States vs Roger Clemens


Roger Clemens gets win # 355

Mr. Clemens is found not guilty.

Where does that leave us?

Will there be rioting?  Tough to say.  

But one things for sure, now everyone in the United States believes Mr. Clemens didn't take performance enhancing drugs.  Just like everyone knows that O.J. had nothing to do with his wife's death.  Just like everyone knows that R. Kelly didn't relieve himself on a young lady even though that video I saw looks exactly like him.

The court has spoken.  Let that be the last of it.   Isn't that the point of the judicial system?  To have the chance to clear your name?  So there, he's not guilty.

Now let's try to figure out why this all happened. 

The congressional hearing all started over a book Jose Canseco wrote.   I will repeat that because it's very important.

This entire governmental investigation started over a book written by Jose Canseco

During the televised congressional hearing, Roger Clemens name gets mentioned.  So Mr. Clemens, a guy who could throw a baseball fast, denied taking drugs that made him throw a baseball faster in front of congress, so they decided to teach him a lesson.   

It's a stupid game.   Politics as well as baseball.   I can't justify the time I devote to baseball, but the United States Congress can?    I'm a comedy writer, don't you have other stuff you could be doing?  I know I do.  I watch the news and it doesn't seem like things are going great for America right now but you have time to deal with a game Abner Doubleday might have invented?

They swallowed they dog to get the cat, they swallowed the cat to get the mouse, they swallowed the mouse to get the spider, they swallowed the spider to get the fly...

I don't know why our elected officials swallowed the fly.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Where are they now? Lou Brock

Where are they now?  Lou Brock

Baseball Hall of Famer Lou Brock started his career with the Chicago Cubs but was traded in 1964 to the St. Louis Cardinals, where Mr. Brock went on to an amazing career including 8 seasons with over 100 stolen bases. 
I’m 8 and I go to the Astrodome to see the Astros battle the Cardinals.   I don’t who won, but I remember Larry Dierker was the starting pitcher and Lou Brock stole 2nd and 3rd.  When Mr. Brock stole third his helmet came off.  I thought he was the coolest. 
2nd all time in stolen bases, Mr. Brock comported himself like a gentleman when Ricky Henderson became the greatest of all time.  

Where is Lou Brock today?

I don’t know.   Probably St. Louis.   I’m sure you can look it up.  But man, that guy was fast.  I always liked him.  He always had cool baseball cards too.   Check it out.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Baseball Card Theater - How's My Hair

Tuesday is Baseball Card Theater day.  

Pittsburgh Pirate Dock Ellis has curlers in his hair because he wants to look pretty for a new episode of  Baseball Card Theater!  We're checking out hair-dos.

If you dig it tell a friend.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Bryce Harper - Cole Hamels and T. Sean

Bryce Harper is a cocky rookie.  Last night, Cole Hamels, MVP of 2008 World Series, decides to hit him to take the kid down a peg.  Then, the kid steals home on Mr. Hamels.  Hot damn I love baseball. 

Friday, May 4, 2012

Baseball Card Friday: Luis Alvarado, Chicago White Sox 1973

In celebration of El cuatro de Mayo I present Luis Alvarado in one of the worse yet compelling baseball cards I own. 
First, his back is to the camera so I guess I’ll take Topp’s word that it’s Mr. Alvarado. 
Second, look how big his number is on his back, that’s a spring training uniform.
Lastly, is Mr. Alvarado playing in a city park?   What’s with all the cars in the background?  The red one looks like a Chevy Impala.  There’s a freeway in the background. I’m pretty sure I played some American Legion games at that field.  It’s right off the Gulf Freeway,

Imagine you’re lucky enough to get to be on a baseball card and your mom and son asks to see it and you show them this card.
Who’s that guy in the card with you, with his face towards the camera?
That’s Hank Allen. 
The home run king? 
No.  That’s Hank Aaron.
Why is he facing the camera and you aren’t?   Is that even you, Dad?
Is that the Gulf Freeway?  I think Shirley’s boy plays American Legion ball there.  You need to stand up straight.  You’re slouching in that photo.
Dad when I grow up…
Yes, son.
Can I have a red impala?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Man's game. An Old Man's game

Two 40 year-old men, Jason Giambi and Chipper Jones had walk off homers yesterday. May 2nd, 2012.  That makes me feel good because I'm almost 40.  I'm 46. 
That's almost 40. 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Where have you gone Albert Pujols?

April comes and goes and Angel's 250 million dollars 1st baseman doesn't have a home run. 

They're are many reasons given for his slump.  Trouble adjusting to American League pitching, pressure to live up to his contract, his wife's been busting his balls at home...  the list goes on and on.

Attention all major league pitchers:  This is just the eye of the storm.  Do not come out of your house.  The nightmare that is Albert Pujols is not over.   Once he gets back on track, it's going to be even worse, because now he's all mad. 

My theory is that he was distraught that he didn't get to beat up on the Astros this season.  Even if he slumps all season, no worries, next year when the Astros are bullied to the American League he will face them 18 times and get back in the rhythm of abusing opponents. 

I still say he finishes this year with 35 home runs.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

New Baseball Card Theater: Poetry

Happy May 1st to you all.  The Astros beat the Mets last night and that calls for a celebration.  A new baseball card theater.  Tonight we have a poetry contest.  Enjoy